Therapy Roulette

How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t w/ Chris Tondevold

September 17, 2021 Michele Baci / Chris Tondevold Season 1 Episode 137
Therapy Roulette
How to Stop Feeling Like Sh*t w/ Chris Tondevold
Show Notes Transcript

Michele (@michelebacicomedy) tells us about seeing Joe Rogan live. She talks to host of @ambitionradiopodcast Chris Tondevold, who opens up about seeking help for depression and realizing he needed therapy and medication. Chris shares a vulnerable story about regaining consciousness in the middle of a suicide attempt. He talks about the importance of finding people who are supportive when you’re getting sober and cutting people out who suck. Chris also reminisces about seeing live entertainment- going to concerts and standup comedy shows in pre-pandemic days.
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Crisis Hotline Numbers: https://twloha.com/find-help/24-hour-helplines/

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
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Listen to the Ambition Radio podcast! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ambition-radio/id1439445439 

Follow Chris Tondevold!

IG: @ambitionradiopodcast

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AmbitionRadio
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Theme Song:

Therapy Roulette Consent to Vent / Trauma disguised as comedy / Therapy Roulette: Consent to Vent / If you dont have problems, then youre likely repressing sh*t and you should find a therapist / (Whos not me)

Michele Baci:

Hey, welcome back to Therapy Roulette, where I give you consent to vent. My name is Michele Baci, and a little tidbit from my life recently, I actually went to a huge stand up show huge. Out here in LA, I saw one of the biggest people right now Joe Rogan, per my boyfriend's request. He is a big Rogan fanatic. I am, you know, I'm not a fanatic of Rogan. I've listened to a handful of his podcast episodes moreso A few years ago, haven't listened to a lot. lately. Since I've started dating my boyfriend, I hear most of the episodes just like bits and pieces because he plays them out loud, or he has them on the Alexa speakers plane. So I feel like I dip in and out of whatever Joe Rogan is doing. And then I hear about his little circle of people through the other things that my boyfriend listens to. But I do occasionally listen to the Joe Rogan experience myself. And sometimes my boyfriend will point out an episode He's like, I think you should listen to this one it's from. It's usually the ones that Joseph wants me to listen to. They're usually by a scientist, a nutritionist, or a total normal quote unquote person who had like an alien experience. It's totally all over the map. He never really says listen to this one with a comedian. He usually says listen to this one with a total weirdo or a total intellectual scientists. Because I guess I don't really get that anywhere else, only on the Joe Rogan experience. But we went to go see him live. We went with a couple friends or friends who are a married couple. And it was just really nice to go out and do something. First of all, it was almost like nostalgic and heartbreaking that we were finally going to a show like I've been to one other big stand up show recently. I want to see Taylor Tomlinson, which is awesome. But that was that. I think it was the Irvine improv or somewhere near near us in Long Beach. And it wasn't like a huge show. It's more like medium size. This Joe Rogan shows at the forum in Los Angeles. And it was huge. Like I've seen fish play there. So you can cater to the biggest crowd imaginable. I'm sure it's like the LA version of Madison Square Garden. But it was just really cool to actually go do an exciting thing, because we haven't done that and so long. The show itself was good. You know, I would say it was good. It's not my go to comedy style, like I'm never going to relate to Joe Rogan. Michelle Bochy, Joe Rogan, two different people. He's a dude in his 50s. He has a totally different lifestyle, totally different perspective than I do. However, I think he put on a funny show, I was entertained. I laughed a lot. And I also felt safe at this giant show, because they required vaccination proof. Even though Rogen, I'm pretty sure it's not vaccinated. I don't know if they're enforcing that amongst the staff, there still doubt their enforcement among their performers, but the crowd was supposed to be vaccinated. So just the fact that they were trying to enforce vaccination proof and the fact that they were trying to maintain like, relatively COVID safe procedures, I felt safe the whole time, I kept my mask on for most of the show. You know, I tried to get a few drinks in before the show. And then during the show, I was just like, mask on, still laughing through the mask. And I felt good, you know, I can understand why people are hesitant to get back into the world. But for me, I'm trying to dip my toes back in, go out every once in a while I'll do my my old normal routine of entertainment and hanging out with friends and doing stand up myself, trying to integrate that in bits and pieces just so I can feel more like myself. And as long as I feel safe doing it. I think it's fine. I know that COVID still around and we have the Delta variant and people have breakthrough cases. Obviously, none of us are safe. We're all in danger. But I'm trying to get more comfortable doing I guess. Anyway, I wanted to bring this up because I never would have chosen to go see Joe Rogan live. I only went because Joseph, my boyfriend is a huge fan. And I'm, I was like a little hesitant about going because I was like Joe Rogan? Well, I like it. I don't know, I kind of feel a little lukewarm about his podcast. Sometimes he's also just a very assertive personality. And that doesn't always jive with me. But I had a great time. And I really enjoyed the show. And I am proud of Joe Rogan, I think he puts on a good show. I think he has a pretty varied point of view. And he tries to be inquisitive, because he brought up like, he brought up a lot of controversial things about himself during the act like he brought up. The internet's pretty hard on him. And he brought up a few things that the internet has said about him in recent years. And he didn't exactly challenge them. It's more like he was thinking about them on stage. And I like that he can face his opponents or his enemies, publicly, like he publicly admits that he's wrong, or that he should have done things differently pretty often, for such a big celebrity, you know, I don't know, he's not all bad, I think. I think social media and critics give them a bad rap. I know my Twitter feed is a lot of feminists and people like me, who tend to critique men pretty hard. So my Twitter feed doesn't like Joe Rogan. But I'm here to say, give them a chance, give the man a chance, they have something to offer. And it was just really cool to go with my boyfriend and see him have such a good time. Like I think I'm the planner in the relationship. So I'm usually like, we should go do this. We should go, you know, hang out with these people or make this event happen. And I tried to plan things and make them happen. Joseph doesn't always do that. He impulsively gets us to do things sometimes spontaneously, but it was nice to actually have a plan with him and see his friends and go do something that you know, my partner wants to do instead of just something only I want to do. It was good to switch roles in that way. This episode, we have a pretty serious discussion about depression, sobriety trigger warning we do bring up suicide. So if you're not cool with that, maybe don't listen to this one. But overall, it's a pretty hopeful, motivating and dare I say it inspiring story. Our guest is a fellow podcaster he hosts the podcast ambition radio. I'd like to welcome Chris Tondevold

Theme Song:

guest interview / a friend for you / strangers whose issues are relatable / guest interview / They're the voice that's new / this person has problems and they don't mind discussing it, but they still need a therapist / (Whos not me)

Michele Baci:

Welcome back to Therapy Roulette. My name is Michele Baci, and today we're joined with Chris Tondevold he is the host of Ambition Radio Podcast, Chris, welcome to the show.

Chris Tondevold:

Thank you for having me. Of course. It's

Michele Baci:

a pleasure. How is how's your current mood? Anything intense right now? or How you feeling?

Chris Tondevold:

Oh, I feel all right. Um, I was actually on a another call earlier today that I met new people, which was cool.

Michele Baci:

busy.

Chris Tondevold:

You busy busy people? Yep. So yeah, I mean, I feel good. It's been. It's my first full week back at work after recovering from back surgery. So it's been a very physically draining week to say the least.

Michele Baci:

How much time did you get off to recover?

Chris Tondevold:

Oh, almost almost three months? It was.

Michele Baci:

Oh, that's good.

Chris Tondevold:

Just about two and a half, almost three months. Yeah. The crappy thing about all of it? Is that my back supposed to feel better, but now I can't sit down. It'll just hurt the entire time.

Michele Baci:

Are you sitting now? No.

Chris Tondevold:

I'm standing. I got a little standing desk. And all my chairs at work are these like hard wooden chairs and they're just terrible. Oh, no. Yeah, I'm constantly going up and down, up and down. And it is a though the worst part about the whole thing. Everything else feels fine. I can stand walk. Cool. No problem.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, but that's a hard adjustment to not be able to sit.

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah, yeah, I could sit before surgery. So what that means now,

Michele Baci:

did they say that's gonna get better

Chris Tondevold:

uh, they hope So because it was so like low down into the the back, there's just so much pressure that gets put in to that area. So it's the L five s one. And they normally do them a little bit higher up, which doesn't cause as much pressure, but I got screws and some bone views in in there. And wow, I'm doing some work. So they say about two years for the full fusion to where I'll feel like a almost bionic

Michele Baci:

maybe. Is that the name of the surgery l five s one.

Chris Tondevold:

Oh, I'm sorry. So the in your spine you have each each bone is an L or an S. So the ones up,

Michele Baci:

not a doctor.

Chris Tondevold:

The ones the ones that are near the top are ELLs, and then it goes in descending order, I think. And then the ones that are near the esses are like towards your tailbone. So mine rest right around that hip, pelvis area. So it's literally like any kind of sitting motion were sitting motion. But like any kind of angle where I'm almost 90 degrees sitting on my butt. That's where all the pressure goes. Because it's pretty much right inside that that pelvis area for it. So all of my upper body just goes right to put some some nice pressure

Michele Baci:

cuts a long recovery time. I wish you the best through that process.

Chris Tondevold:

Thank you. Thank you, I got easy. No, I got hit in 2015 and 2017. So I've been dealing with a bulging disc in my back for like six years now. So hopefully this will fix it.

Michele Baci:

You got hit how

Chris Tondevold:

I got rear ended both times. So the first one I got rear ended and then pushed into the vehicle in front of me. And then the other one, this big yellow Dodge Ram just could not stop. So he just took me pushed me right into almost the intersection. And my God. Yeah, it was. It was wild. So the the chronic pain of it all. And this is in

Michele Baci:

Maryland? Yes. Wow. I did not know they were that aggressive in Maryland.

Chris Tondevold:

They're terrible drivers. They're not good. Most of the Maryland Virginia and DC area suck. The the road I was on is like a 35 or 45. But everybody usually goes 55 at least. So that's part of the problem. And then people don't know how to make decisions or use turn signals. So they go in and out.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, we have that problem in LA but I don't know so far. I've been lucky knock on wood, but I've seen a lot of horror on the streets or on the streets. I like that. Yeah. Well, good luck with your recovery. We could switch gears and talk about mental health. Are you in therapy for your mind? Or have you done in the past?

Chris Tondevold:

Yes. So the beginning of this year, late last year? I I was pretty much done with with feeling like shit all the time. I

Michele Baci:

get to come to that conclusion.

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah, yeah. I was just real sad and like just crying randomly, at just whatever was around me. And I was just like, this is probably not healthy.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, like a gust of wind or something. Yeah, yeah.

Chris Tondevold:

Or like a feather or something just floating. It was a lot. It was it was weird. It was just a lot of like TV shows that I was watching and then all of a sudden, it'll just be like, well, I'm sad now.

Michele Baci:

Oh, no.

Chris Tondevold:

I so there was the the thing that happened to me like the beginning of quarantine to that kind of spirals into all this was I had to put my dog down right at the beginning of quarantine last year for COVID.

Michele Baci:

That sucks. I'm sorry.

Chris Tondevold:

Thank you. It's It was a lot. And that was my first dog as an adult that like I was responsible for so there's I've been dealing with probably depression for a while but there was just that breaking point for that and then just trying to go throughout the rest of the year with it. And then it was just like well, all the tears are happening. So I'm going to go to the doctor and get get Wellbutrin for that and then started seeing therapists in January for the first time. So it's been it's been interesting. I've been through two of them so far.

Michele Baci:

So did they put you on meds right away before you saw someone to talk to you?

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah, they put me on meds right away. Because the the questionnaire that I guess you fill out for like depression or anxiety or whatever. I got like a really low score on They were just like, well, we'll try to fix it now, because we need to.

Michele Baci:

Are you okay with that? Was that something you would thought about? Like you want us to go on antidepressants?

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah, cuz like a lot of my friends have been on them throughout the years, and we were able to kind of like talk about it a little bit more now, especially that it's slightly more normalized. But we all, especially last year, like, there was just so many people that were coming to head with their, their mental health. So I was cool. There wasn't a stigma or anything with with the dannette presence. If it was just, it was gonna make me feel better. I'm golden. So we'll try. I've been taking all sorts of meds since I've been a kid. So they work for the most part. So let's give it a shot.

Michele Baci:

Yeah. And then when you started talking to someone was that additionally helpful?

Chris Tondevold:

Kind of the, the first therapist that I saw was, she's she was been a therapist for like, 50 or 60 years.

Michele Baci:

Okay, so she's deep in her career. Yeah. And

Chris Tondevold:

there's a big generational gap. And then there is she, she didn't bear it down too hard. But the she was very much a Christian faith. And it kind of coalesced with some of the things that she were saying, and I'm not. And that kind of turned me off through it, where I know that she was skilled. And she was able to kind of like, obviously had a long term career, right. But it just did not connect with me. And like she would go through some not really Proverbs, but like, do comparisons to try to make it a little bit more secular. But it just did not jive at all.

Michele Baci:

Are you not religious? Yeah. So I've had one, I had this couples therapist in quarantine, who started by saying, Hey, I'm Christian, do you want me to bring that into this? Or do you want me to leave it out. And I appreciate that she was pretty upfront about it. That's fantastic. And she also seemed very, like easygoing, like she was in California, which is where I am. Everyone out here is weird, and like spiritual and earthy. So if you're religious, I just kind of put it into that category. So I was able to look past that. And she didn't bring it into the sessions at all. If she you know, if she was analyzing us in a Christian way, Soviet, but she didn't talk about it. So for me, it was okay. But if someone was overly like, this is all about Jesus. And here's your relationship with the Lord. I think that would turn me off to

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah, and it wasn't even like super, super overt, but it was just like the parables that she would use, right? or trying to like, make, make sure that I know that. There's an angel out there for me. Sure. Maybe. Yeah. I won't find out like, it'll be fine.

Michele Baci:

That's kind of tricky, because it's so much about the language. Yes, yeah. Because you can easily get that same message across like, you're trying to say, hey, someone's out there for you, whether it's like a real person or spirit. But then to make your religious when your your clients not religious kind of turns them off,

Chris Tondevold:

and not having that conversation upfront to like what yours had, I mean, that that would have been just a great talking point, all throughout it to say, Okay, this may not jive at all, like all, and hopefully they're good enough to where you might already be at edge if you're not a religious person, and that conversation comes up, and you still try to continue to go through it. And but it sounds like they didn't even have that issue with bringing it up or not bringing it up, right.

Michele Baci:

Yeah. She was just like, this is who I am. This is kind of how I work. Do you want me to bring in religion? And we were like, No, I was like, No, my boyfriend didn't have an opinion at the time because I don't want religion. Oh, it's just weird to be it's, I mean, maybe if you're a Christian, it makes sense. But if you're not, it's a hard divide. Yeah, for sure. For sure. So how long did that therapy relationship last?

Chris Tondevold:

Um, actually, about a month and a half or so. My, my work has a lot of really good mental health resources. And my insurance paid for like the first six sessions or something like that. That's good. Yeah. So they tried to push us to get help if we need it. And it was great. So I just went through the first like six sessions with her to give it a solid shot because I didn't want to give up after two weeks.

Michele Baci:

Right? And you want to give it like a real shot too because if anything At least you get something out of it.

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah. And sometimes it takes a little bit to form a connection. Right? That that's normal. And I've heard left and right from all my other friends whose they they will never go to another therapist like that's their therapist just because of the connection that's in there. I kind of hoping that that would be something that I could like develop, but it just did not.

Michele Baci:

So how did you go about finding a new therapist after that one?

Unknown:

Actually, it was it was one of my, one of my reps at my store. He was going to couples therapy originally at this place, and then kept it on for his own personal one, because they split. So he was like, I barely pay anything. It was like 10 bucks a session. And it's fantastic.

Michele Baci:

Yeah. Which is really what therapy should cost?

Unknown:

Not the $100 an hour.

Michele Baci:

It's a doctor medical service, you know?

Unknown:

Exactly, exactly. It was. So it was cool. Like after the six sessions with the first one. It would have been just like a copay golden with that. And I don't think everybody has that ability or resource. So I'm very, very appreciative of the tools that I have at me, or I have at my disposal.

Michele Baci:

Yeah. If you have a mental health insurance, go use it.

Unknown:

Yeah, for sure. For sure. Because it doesn't hurt to just talk, right? And then, so I emailed the place that he goes, he went to, and then got hooked up with my current therapist.

Michele Baci:

That's cool. So it seems like your social network, you're able to talk about this with your friends. And that helps you like, figure out more of what's going on in your own life and how to get help.

Unknown:

For sure. I mean, last, like December, yeah, December of this year, there was me and a couple of my friends together just around the fire, talking about all of our problems. All the things that we're going through and trying to get better and how important it is. And yeah, so it's everybody's got something. Now for sure everybody's got something going on. And thankfully, they can feel a little bit more comfortable talking about

Michele Baci:

it. Yeah, that's awesome. I feel like sometimes it's hard to start that support system. So if you have it, definitely use it and keep reaching out for sure. For sure. Yeah, that's so cool. Has, so your dog passed away? And then has that been like the start of a depression? Or do you think you had depression before that and it kind of exasperated?

Unknown:

So. I think two things just like, was the straw that broke the camel's back. One definitely, you know, being my dog passing away, but to going to concerts and like stand up shows are my full release. And I didn't have that at all for the past year, and I still don't feel comfortable fully going to them. Yeah. So it was literally like, I'm stuck inside. There's just a big emptiness here. Now, and my cat has tried to take over and it hasn't. It's not the same.

Michele Baci:

Like you tried to fill the void with the cat or the cat has its own motives.

Unknown:

The cat has its own motives. off to the side when my dog was around, and now she's taken over my entire life and just yelled at me every time that she needs something. And it's usually just food. I forgot what I was saying.

Michele Baci:

You were saying? Yeah, entertainments gone right now. Or it's different. It's around.

Unknown:

So that that whole idea of just being able to like go out and get out of my own headspace and focus on something else and feel good. There was there was no good for me to bounce back from or bounce back to.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, I'm the same way where it's like, it's been a big motivation my whole life to like, go to a concert, go to a comedy show. Like this is the fun thing I'm doing I can look forward to it. And I've only recently started going back and it does still feel weird and I don't trust anybody. But I've just like slowly been integrating it back into my life and it's it's definitely taken a toll to not have that for so long.

Unknown:

Yeah, yeah. So that I those were just like the the Pentacles of it. Like just the iceberg on it. Because I think I've always dealt with it. Like I remember multiple times asked my mom when I was growing up to be like, I should probably talk to someone like, I don't feel great. And these these are dumb thoughts that I usually have and i don't i don't like them. So she said no. Ah,

Michele Baci:

which Come on mom. That was like hard for you to ask. Yeah.

Unknown:

Like 13 1415 like throes of teenage boy dumb nonsense, you know? Yeah. So I don't know, I think I think it's changed so much, especially just from my memory of being turned down by my parents to just being like, now they're embracing it like now they're cool with it. Because my sister goes to therapy. She's been going for years. And my mom's hip to it, and she likes it now. But it's really just that perception of it from, you know, days back where it was just like, Oh, your child sick? No, my child is not sick. There's there's no symptoms. It's fine.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, I think it was much more extreme in the past, even in the past, like few years. And now it's way more talks about? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So I would say kudos to young Chris, for asking for help, because that's not easy. And I wish I had asked for help when I was younger, but I was just like, no, I will bury this inside me, it will make me stronger, I really, probably took a decade off my life. So it's good to ask for help.

Unknown:

Yeah, I think I would be a way more like put together individual, if that happened. Because being being just living precariously the entire time, and just like hoping for things to work out is not the best approach to life, you should probably like have a good foundation at some point.

Michele Baci:

Having like, any guidance, any professional wisdom to you know, put into your brain that helps so much. Instead of just being like, I'm gonna write in this journal, and write poems like that doesn't work doesn't work all the time.

Unknown:

I mean, that it doesn't work. If there's no one to analyze what you're saying. And being like, these are your problems, right? Let me help you look at your problems. And the whole, like, burying of the whole thing, you know, I always think about just parents just not wanting to talk about it and like refusing to acknowledge it.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, yeah, I think my, I mean, I had Catholic parents growing up. So I feel like we didn't talk about feelings. So to talk about like therapy would have been a whole other monster to overcome, right? Like, eventually, we got around to it, because of one of my siblings asking for help. And now my mom's totally cool with it, but it took other events to happen.

Unknown:

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm really weird how that works out.

Michele Baci:

I have more hope for the new generation. Yeah.

Unknown:

Because the the generation that's, that's, you know, popping kids out now are easily able to talk about it. So that'll hopefully just continue to happen. And we get better and better.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, I think so. I have good faith. So do you want to tell us about sobriety?

Unknown:

Sure. So I've been sober. I want to say like, five years or so

Michele Baci:

you'd have a date that you celebrate? No.

Unknown:

So I probably should, because it was an important thing. But it all kind of goes along with the depression and all that stuff. So all related. Yeah, I was I was drinking real real hard for a while. And I was drinking, usually. not usually, but a lot of times by myself. And I would feel good like around other people. But as soon as I get home, just like, all the inner thoughts, just like you're terrible, just go right through me. And then it's just like an echo chamber. echo chamber until I pass out, right. But I had blacked out one night and then woke up in the middle of trying to kill myself. Oh, my God. Yeah. So that that right there stopped me from drinking for the most part going forward. And I remember, I basically went cold turkey. Cuz I was just afraid of what well would happen with without any kind of control anymore. And I remember I want to say it was about three weeks after I tried to quit. I saw my parents and I told them that I was like, Hey, I'm going to I'm quitting drinking. You know, I'm trying to stay sober. They're like, No, you're not. Let's go to the bar. Oh, no. And that happened. They were they live in the mountains of North Carolina, and it gets real real hot in the summer. And I was a dark beer drinker, but I was literally like the only one in the bar that's been around that area, I guess. So they had all this dark ale and it was all for me. And I drank way too much of it. I was super hot and then just got my revenge by throwing up all over their bathroom.

Michele Baci:

Oh my gosh, do that. Yeah. So they were not understanding. Are they big drinkers themselves? Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so that's interesting. So you beat it and tell them like the whole story?

Unknown:

No, no, I did not tell them at first cuz I didn't want my mom to worry more. And I think that's also where like kids get definitely, like tied up about talking about it. Yeah, they don't, they don't really want their parents to worry too much. Because it's not anything really my mom did. It's just whatever was happening in my brain. Right. So

Michele Baci:

the parents mothers blamed themselves. Yeah.

Unknown:

So I didn't want that to happen. So it took a while for that to come out.

Michele Baci:

Isn't it such a cruel irony that that's like, what stops you from getting the help you need?

Unknown:

Yeah. I remember one of my friends when I was growing up. He tried cutting his wrists, but, like, cleaned up himself, and the floor because he didn't want the blood to get everywhere. So he didn't want it to be dirty. So then that's how he like saved his own life, because he didn't want to make a mess for which is just wild. Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

Michele Baci:

It's kind of like you have rational thoughts intruding to your irrational thoughts? Like you're like, what are the consequences of what I'm doing? What's gonna happen next? And then you have to get to that, that mental spot and like, oh, it might not be good. Maybe I should stop.

Unknown:

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it. It's been cool. That support system that we talked about earlier. I mean, that's there. And I was able to go to concerts without having to worry about drinking or anything like that, which was nice. That's definitely one of the things that I was afraid of, because that was such like a big piece of my life. I didn't want that to to be both me trying to get better, and then also getting worse at my thing that I love.

Michele Baci:

So did you ever do a TA or affordable program?

Unknown:

No. I thought about it.

Michele Baci:

I guess I'm not even supposed to ask you that. So I can retract the question. Oh, no. It's like not allowed to ask.

Unknown:

Oh, well, the answer is no. So but it all kind of goes with not being religious and knowing

Michele Baci:

it's a very religious program. Yeah, just weird.

Unknown:

Yeah. It's very steeped into Christian forgiveness, and, you know, acceptance and giving it up to a higher power. And I looked at that stuff, and I was just like, this is not gonna be it for me, like, not nothing of this is gonna jive. I'm gonna just try to kind of keep it going. But myself. So did you do

Michele Baci:

the whole sobriety journey alone? You didn't join, like a group or like a forum or something?

Unknown:

Yeah, no, I did it myself. I guess. That's got

Michele Baci:

to be incredibly hard.

Unknown:

I guess. So. I think, I think to me, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Mostly because like I had friends, sure. But also like, I didn't want to die. So it's just like, Oh, this is a thing that I shouldn't do anymore. And let's not do this anymore. Because it was just negatively affecting everything that I was doing. And it's, it's still funny to me, because like, my early 20s, it was all based around alcohol and liquor and wine where I even sold it as distributor for a while. And now it's like a whole other life that I have now. And once I got because I use the tracker, I use the sobriety tracker for a little bit. And I think once I got to, like 30 days was just like, I think I'm all right now.

Michele Baci:

Wow. 30 days, it's like the beginning.

Unknown:

Yeah, that's what I thought. But like, I had gone to a show and everybody was really cool. They were asking if I wanted to water or a ginger ale or something instead, and they were all super respectful. And I think that's just something that that really helped me out.

Michele Baci:

That's cool. Yeah. People who are not saying, Oh, fuck that. We're gonna go to the bar.

Unknown:

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So

Michele Baci:

no, no offense to your parents, like it's not the most helpful.

Unknown:

offenses, fine, they're fine. They're good people, but they should not be drinking that much.

Michele Baci:

But you're able to tell your friends honestly, like, Hey, this is not who I am anymore.

Unknown:

Yeah, it was that was really nice. And just the support system of it was really nice. And it just made things easier. So every like everybody that I've talked to about this, they're just like, Oh, that's so amazing. You did so much on your own, and I don't feel like I did.

Michele Baci:

He's definitely dead. It's not easy to be sober. And it's not easy to recognize a breaking point like that. So yeah, I would be proud. I would pick a time of year you celebrate your sober versary?

Unknown:

I gotta figure it out, because I don't remember. Cuz I deleted the app and all that. So I don't remember. When I did. I think it was sometime maybe in March, we'll find out. I don't know, I'll look, I'll get a date.

Michele Baci:

I guess it's hard to pinpoint, like an exact date, but you could just do time of year. I like that. I like that. I know my boyfriend. I think he's hidden in five years in November. But he's like, also questionable on the date. He's like, it's in November. Bla bla bla, like, he knows he tried to be sober twice, and it didn't work. And the third time it stuck. So his his details are so fuzzy.

Unknown:

I think you just forget about it. Like it's not part of your life anymore. But I have seen because we like we have a big heroin epidemic here. And like, fentanyl and stuff. So I've seen a couple my friends recover from that. And it was just like, they had to have that date in there. Yeah, to keep going. Like, they know that it's been this amount of days. sensitive and clean or whatever, right. So I think for me, it's just, like, just came to be part of my life. Like, that's just not something that I do anymore. For them, like that's a goal for them. And so just like not go back to that life at all.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, everyone has a different process for it. Yeah. That's like scary shit setting all and

Unknown:

opiates. It's not good. Not good for anybody. Yeah, it's

Michele Baci:

been like I see stories in the comedy community and out here in LA a handful of people just died from fentanyl and cocaine. It's like, you gotta gotta be aware of everything you're putting into your body.

Unknown:

Yeah, I just heard I just heard a story about I don't remember her name. But there is that a story about a couple stand ups that did cocaine and it was laced with fentanyl or they found out and then one of them died, I think.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, it was a few maybe a week ago, one or two weeks ago, a few comics died. Kate Quigley? I think she survived. But like a bunch of three people died, which is scary.

Unknown:

Yeah. It's, it's insane. One of my friends just moved from California over here. And she was talking about how she used to do coke. But as soon as it was just like, betting all lacing, you couldn't trust anybody anymore. So there was no reason to do any of it. And you just quit. Because Yeah, again, you don't want to die.

Michele Baci:

I mean, you can get a test kit. But like, I don't know if that's 100% accurate. And to me, it seems better just not to coke. For me, I'm like, maybe just don't do the drugs until you know they're safe.

Unknown:

Or make them your own right.

Michele Baci:

That's a personal philosophy.

Unknown:

Yeah, you got Yeah, chemicals in your house? You're gonna figure it out?

Michele Baci:

Yeah, I don't know. Like, or maybe make soap. Maybe try it try a different hobby. But to me, death is a big factor where it's like, I also don't want to die. Therefore, I will not choose activities that increase my likelihood of dying. Yeah. Yeah. Are you alright? Go ahead.

Unknown:

Well, it was just always a weird thing to me to, with. Ever since like, I was young. I always thought suicide was something that was not necessarily negative, but just like a not a good way to go out. You could probably do more like you don't have to, but grow growing up, you know, you you understand that it's not really like them killing themselves, like they died by suicide or, or something along those lines, where it's not really in their control. And when when what happened to me happened, I was just like, I'm not in control. And it's not, you know, it's not the stories that you hear about people just Oh, dang. Like, there's more stuff that happened. There's there's more mental stuff that happened in there. And that just made a just a brighter spot for me that, you know, it's it's, it's not a bad thing or a good thing. It's just a way that people go out and it can be, you know, curved it can be helped. If they have help.

Michele Baci:

So when you say you could do more You mean like in your life you could have Yeah, kept going. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've always I know, the moment I learned what suicide was when I was a kid because it was on the News like a murder suicide. And I remember I probably asked my dad like, what was it mean? He killed his family and then he killed himself. I already kill himself and I was so confused. Like, then you lose, you know, he could have he could have run away. If you're going to kill people run away otherwise you go to jail, right? That was my like child thinking. But suicide

Unknown:

dangerous child, I feel like you're up to no good. Yeah,

Michele Baci:

fearless. But to kill yourself just seemed like losing like you and your own game?

Unknown:

Yeah, yeah, that's a good way to kind of put it. But then you learned that there's a lot more to it. It makes you really put in perspective of the things that that people have lost and how it affected them. And, you know, the I've I've lost like four friends to suicide. And it's, yeah, it's mostly with drugs and stuff to like, that they try to self prescribe for the most part, right? That's, that's what you do. You try to self treat, instead of going to therapy, and maybe like getting other things that will make you feel like a zombie sometimes, maybe, but like, you're still around, and you're still mostly you?

Michele Baci:

Yeah, like you have to have that awareness of what's actually helping me what's actually hurting me. You have to care about getting better? For sure, for sure. And for some people, I guess it's like, either too much of the time, or they don't. They don't want to make those introspective questions,

Unknown:

I think, yeah. And I think that feeling of not being good enough to really like do anything also seeps into you like not wanting to ask for help, too, because you're just, I'm a nuisance, I'm a bother, like, I'm just another weight on someone's shoulders. So that that's another piece of it, that will probably stop people from from trying to find the help that they need.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, but then, if you think about the world's like, everyone's a nuisance, everyone's so annoying. You might as well also be annoying. Like, take up your space and ask for help. And you know, do what you need to do to be a real healthy person.

Unknown:

Yeah, I'm finding that out more and more that I have to actually like, be out in the open and get my face out there a little bit more. Because it's something that I I'm very much a big recluse and not recluse, but like, very much, I don't want to be the center of attention ever. I don't want to be a squeaky wheel. Like I just kind of want to like, do my job well, and keep going. And the flip side of that is my whole one of the ideas of the of my podcasts that I do. By being the center of attention is doing a spotlight on other people that are around me. I support other people, and like I get all the things out. But when it comes to anything by itself, I'm just so like, no one wants to hear from me ever.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, it sounds like you still need to work on the self talk. Yeah, yeah. But I feel you because I think suicide is such a big problem. Like I've definitely, you know, entertain suicidal thoughts. I've been depressed on and off forever. I'm still need to really like address that. But you know, it's small steps. One, and I think I think a lot of it is like, you have to say to yourself, I deserve help. I deserve to be the best person I can be. Fuck everybody else. They come second, like you have to take charge of you and fix you.

Unknown:

Yeah, yeah, for sure. And it's a lot to convince yourself that you're kind of worth it and convince yourself to take that step. But once you do, like, it's a whole different world, because then you realize that some people around you suck, but most. And they're always willing to, like, help you out and be there if you just say something.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, and I think a lot of it is dropping those people who suck and connecting with the ones who are great.

Unknown:

For sure. There's so many people that suck but yeah.

Michele Baci:

Like whether they're your friends, stop texting them, if they're on your Instagram feed, unfollow them, like get rid of the people that bring you down.

Unknown:

Yeah, yeah. And that the social media of it all is is a whole other thing. Because one of the one of the first things that I did, the beginning of this year was removed Facebook and all that stuff and try to like people say, social media detox or something like that, but I just handle anymore. Like it was just too much. There was Yeah,

Michele Baci:

it's really bad for you unless you can. I don't know if you can find a formula to only use it for like the perfect amount of time, but unless you can really moderate it. It's terrible for you.

Unknown:

Yeah. And we're both in spaces that require social media to kind of like keep going and

Michele Baci:

where your whole like entertainment worth is based on your social media.

Unknown:

Yeah, it's not a it's not a great feeling. And I'm also real bad at it. So that's that's another part of it. But

Michele Baci:

I would say that's a positive trait to be bad at social media.

Unknown:

Good. I hope so. I can I can lurk real well, I can. I can, like, watch other people and read it. I can. I can go up and down that all day, but I cannot participate.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, read it read. It's fascinating. I just go on it every once in a while like to look for podcast guests or read up on one thing, but whenever I'm there, I'm like, this is like that what the internet should be. This is like novels and deep questions, you get really into people's lives.

Unknown:

There's, there's so much that happens. There's always a new subreddit to go to. And you're always discovering something else. And it's just it's wild. Like that's, it feels a little bit more like a better community to be a part of, but they're also like, terrible, terrible people in that.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, I think it's also a little dangerous in the way where it's like, too, it's too fulfilling. It might keep you online too long. You know? Yes,

Unknown:

yes. That's trying to go to sleep with your phone in your hand is not conducive to sleep.

Michele Baci:

Yeah. Which might be fine when we're in a pandemic, but when we're out of it should go out into the world.

Unknown:

If that happens. Yeah. If we're ever out of it. Yeah.

Michele Baci:

Sometime sometime in the future. All right. Do you want to spend the roulette wheel?

Unknown:

Yeah, for sure. This is a good idea. I like this idea. Thank

Michele Baci:

you. I think it's so silly, but people seem to like it. Okay. Do you have a memory you want to share from childhood? It could be like a really good one, or really, whatever one bad May,

Unknown:

because it's got to happen. This came back to me recently. So when I was a kid, we would swordfight with tree sticks. And we would test out their might by just slaving against a tree and hoping that they don't break. And I think I was like, 11 when this happened. And then I broke one right on the tree and then just smacked me in the mouth and broke my tooth. And recently, I had just ate breakfast and got the filling just came right out. 20 years later, so I recently got that fixed. Oh, wow. Yeah. So I just remember. I remember getting smacked in the mouth with with the stick, bleeding everywhere and then walking home with my tooth in my hand. Because we were down the street, like, very much not near the house. And I go I go there and then she calls the dentist. We're in there within like an hour. That is not my experience as an adult now, so I don't know how she worked it.

Michele Baci:

Emergency. Right.

Unknown:

She thought there was more than what it was probably I don't know. I mean, your emergency. Yeah, you hit yourself with a stick. That's that's dumb. Just keep going. So yeah, so I just remember like, getting that being rushed to the dentist. And then like I said, like, three weeks ago, is when the feeling finally came out. And it just dropped out of my mouth while I was eating a breakfast sandwich. And then I almost choked on it. So that was my time.

Michele Baci:

I think you've got to watch out for the universe. Like it's kind of out to get you a little bit.

Unknown:

Yeah, doesn't like me. But

Michele Baci:

if you got to go plants a tree make up for this big tree.

Unknown:

I had there's there's like, trees around me already. It's

Michele Baci:

I don't know, I don't like the karma that's happening in these stories.

Unknown:

They're not great stories. They're not great.

Michele Baci:

How old are you when this happened? I want

Unknown:

to I want to say I was like 10 or 11. So it's still like I'm thinking about it now. Like I still remember a lot of the details of it. And it's just insane. Like what you remember cuz I don't remember like what I did a week ago. But I remember what happened to me 20 almost 22 years ago. Yeah, great detail. So I remember feeling and tasting warm. Because just the blood all over my mouth at that point. And then looking down at my hand where the blood was on there because I obviously use it to try to make it stop bleeding. And then my tooth was in there and I was just like, this is how I present to my mom. So you

Michele Baci:

were you're with like a sibling or friend when it actually Yeah,

Unknown:

yeah, it was three of us. The unfortunate thing was I don't remember who

Michele Baci:

Was there? It sounds like it

Unknown:

was traumatic. Yeah, a little bit a little bit.

Michele Baci:

I don't know. Or maybe your brains like these other details are irrelevant. Just remember the pain?

Unknown:

I think so I think that's what it is. Just remember the pain.

Michele Baci:

Yeah. That's intense. Yeah,

Unknown:

that's not a good one.

Michele Baci:

I also, my subtitle is consent to event. So is there anything you'd like to vent about? Get off your chest.

Unknown:

I'm not in particular, other than cats who yell constantly. She shouldn't be a thing.

Michele Baci:

You should let it out. Just you know, your cat can't hear us.

Unknown:

She lets me know that she can. And

Michele Baci:

what's your cat's name? Josie. Josie.

Unknown:

Yeah, she is the bane of my existence. And that is that is definitely one thing that I could like rant on, or events about where it was really nice, because I gave her back to my friend that gave her to me for a month while I was recovering back surgery and it was so quiet in the house. And then the day that I got her back, she gave me the worst attitude of all, she did not talk to me for about half the day. And then would not leave me alone and yelled the rest of the half. And it was the worst. I hated it. Because it was from like pure silence and bliss to this hell creature. I just really want to like let the door open all the time and see what happens.

Michele Baci:

So she was fine, though, when you had a dog.

Chris Tondevold:

Yes, there was a great barrier between us. Okay, where the dog kept her quiet. She came fully into her personality. bout three weeks after he he was gone.

Michele Baci:

Or maybe she's also depressed and like, you need to get another dog or something else has to change in the house.

Chris Tondevold:

He's just hungry. And she fights me a lot and I don't like it. She doesn't play with any other toy. This is her dumb cats or cats are dumb because she doesn't play with cat toys. She plays with like a laser pointer when I remember that I have one but that's it. She just wants to box my hands. And she has sharp nails sometimes when I forget to take her to the vet to trim them. And they hurt and she drew blood multiple times this past week. And I didn't like it. But my god she doesn't care about toys at all. And I bought her like everything from Target literally like everything

Michele Baci:

she she has human emulated I don't know what it is. I don't know I don't have cats. My my neighbors have three. And whenever we go over there they're like do you want the orange one because we don't want and we're like no we don't want to cap and Thank you

Chris Tondevold:

Well, yeah, it's and it's funny I have like three strays that just hang out in the yard too. And I every time I look at him like oh yeah, you guys are cute. Do you want to come in? And then I remember that one yells I don't need to have them yelling.

Michele Baci:

Yeah, there is no personality test before you bring this animal into your house.

Chris Tondevold:

No it there is not. When when I got my dog there, there definitely was but I forgot that I was allergic to dogs. I had like an hour and a half ride home with this animal that I met for one of the first times like I met him like couple times outside right and it was cool. Because I could still breathe. And then now I'm driving him an hour and a half home and a car that I can't really turn the windows so hot. And my eyes are watering I'm sneezing like every mile It was not great. Oh no. Yeah, well, it took about two months to get used. So

Michele Baci:

I'm so sorry about Josie I hope you can figure that out.

Chris Tondevold:

I hope so too cuz I definitely like she she tries to balance the cuddle illness with it. But then she does the the needing to I don't like the the making of the biscuits or something. I think they call it where she just drags her nails all up and down my side while trying to her next to me and pretending that she's cute, but she's really just tearing the flesh. Shelby

Michele Baci:

says, Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's helping or bringing value to your life. Nope, that that's not easy. She needs a cat whisper.

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah, or just leave maybe?

Michele Baci:

I don't know. We'll find out. Yeah. Or maybe a new home.

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah. Oh,

Michele Baci:

Chris, thank you for so much for coming on. Tell us where to find you and a little bit about your podcast.

Chris Tondevold:

Sure. So you can find me at ambition Radio Podcast on Instagram and facebook.com slash ambition radio. I do a show where I try to talk to small business owners, athletes, musicians, any other kind of artists, and we figure out how they kind of balance their life out a little bit. I've always dealt with a lack of motivation. And even though I'm trying to do this, and trying to be creative, and that was part of the the idea of the show, to being able to keep my motivation going, while balancing out the rest of my life. And I find folks that sometimes do that. And it's great. I come from a background of booking concerts. So it's really nice to talk to musicians pretty much all the time. So a lot of morning musicians, but I love it. It's definitely a way to express yourself. I've been talking about mental health on there a lot. Since everything's happened, and yeah, check it out.

Michele Baci:

It's fun. Yeah, I would say you're doing it. You're not trying. You're doing it.

Chris Tondevold:

I appreciate it.

Michele Baci:

I checked it out. And you have like, 70 something episodes like, I've listened to one with a band, so I felt cool or listened to it. You're doing the thing?

Chris Tondevold:

Yeah. So it's it's 70,77 episodes over the course of three years. It's there's been like two or three months where I forgot that I had a show and did not feel like doing anything with said show because life got in the way. So I've been able to

Michele Baci:

Oh, my god power podcast seems like a whole. It's a whole hustle. So I totally get it

Chris Tondevold:

so much. So much. Editing sucks. Don't Yeah, anybody that wants to learn don't

Michele Baci:

I would say there are rewards along the way, but is grueling. Yeah. It's not fun. Yeah. But anyway, thanks for listening, Chris. It's been a pleasure.

Chris Tondevold:

Thank you. I appreciate your time.

Michele Baci:

Hey, I want to thank you personally for listening to the podcast. This has been Therapy Roulette, where I give you consent to vent. I would love to keep making episodes and putting out this podcast into the world. And in order to do that, people have to find out about it and they have to listen. So please leave a review. If you have 10 seconds to spare, reviews go a long way. Any app, any place on the internet, please leave a good review. Please tell your friends about the podcast. You could explain it, say it's about an honest mental health conversation. It's a little bit funny. It's a little bit deprecating, or don't explain it at all. And just send them an airdrop link and boom, they have it in their phone. Thank you so much for listening. I will be back with a new episode. Not next Thursday but the following Thursday.

Theme Song:

Therapy Roulette Consent to Vent / Trauma disguised as comedy / Therapy Roulette: Consent to Vent / If you dont have problems, then youre likely repressing sh*t and you should find a therapist / (Whos not me)